Hey hi hello again!

Heaps of you have been asking me about my skincare routi- kidding!!! I promise never to try and sell you anything through this blog. Reminder that this blog will mostly orbit my introspective transition as well as my relationship with my identity and body, I make no promises that I won’t deviate sometimes.

It’s week three, and I think the beautiful serenade of bagpipes in the park on week one may have been less of a battle theme and more of a send off, a send off on a worthy journey. I think I’m beginning to find a rhythm, I even woke up before my alarm this week, I spent most of the session chatting while somehow maintaining my breathing and technique! (…mostly)

I’ve been thinking a lot about the structure of my training, how I feel about training with Bowie, and how I feel about fitness in general. It’s really comforting to know there is someone in my corner who knows about a lot of the things I’m experiencing to some degree.

I’ve always metabolized food really quickly and my body mostly looks similar month to month through regular partying and riding a bike everywhere – I’m grateful that I can do those things – but I’ve noticed that I’m more aware of how to use my body in different ways over the past two weeks. Box of groceries? Sure I can deadlift that now, swinging cats, probably still not on the cards. This is important because I feel like I have a structure for how to move in healthy ways, and I can feel my muscles responding. I can feel a sense of capability beginning to sprout in my bones and mind. Sometimes I still feel rusted over by fear, self-doubt, and feel triggered by noticing my physical limitations. I’ve started noticing the fear of potential failure changing, metabolizing, even.

 I spoke to Bowie and Zay about the blog today, I found a couple of tender points came up; body measurements, and progress photos. This is the part where it’s less about being a generic fitness blog and about being trans. I am still resistant to the potential self-judgment or buried thought patterns that might come up if I can perceive myself at the beginning. My worth is inherently more than how much gravity pulls me down, so for now I am choosing not to face that potential until I am strong enough to lift my head and resist that pull towards the idea of before and after.

Bowie and Zay were really supportive while giving me other important perspectives, and from next week, Bowie is going to take some candids so I don’t need to worry so much – it’s about the feeling of movement after all. I’m also astounded at how much is shared in the Free Movement Co. social media that’s actually really useful – especially food wise ehehehe…

Overall I’m looking forward to seeing how the beginning of a potentially exciting self-reflective trend reveals some gritty stuff, and equips me to respond to whatever feelings arise the best I can.

Merry Spoopmas, happy new queer,

~A

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