[Episode 47] Lessons Learned From Being Misgendered

by | Jan 22, 2021

In this episode we will be exploring Pronouns and the huge impact they can have on our lives both positively and negatively

Our pronouns are usually one of the first things that we change about ourselves when we begin to socially transition.

And during this time, it can be hard finding pronouns that help us express ourselves.

So when we do find ones that work for us, the response from people in our lives can influence the following steps we take in our transitions.

I know for myself that as I’ve transitioned I’ve experienced mixed responses from the people in my life.

While many people support me and the choices I’ve made, there are still family members who are challenged by my identity. Particularly with using my pronouns.

Gender Neutral Pronouns


Gender Neutral Pronouns. They/Them/Theirs: Pronunciation: They/Them/Theirs. Ze/hir/hirs: Pronunciation: Zee/Here/Heres. Ze/zi/zirs: Pronunciation: Zee/Zhere/Zheres. Xe/xem/xyrs: Pronunciation: Zee/Zem/Zheres. ey/em/eirs: Pronunciation: Ay/Em/Airs.



Remember, it’s totally ok to try different ones out until you find what suits you.

You may even choose not to use pronouns at all. Rock that! You don’t have to be defined by a noise made at you.

Just remember that people around you may not use your pronouns. So make a plan for yourself with how you will manage yourself when this happens.

And I say manage yourself because we can’t force people to use the language for us that we may want.

I completely understand that it can feel really shit when folks don’t respect your pronouns. It’s invalidating AF, if we let it be.

But we have a choice that we can make when it comes to how we experience being misgendered.

We can fight the people misgendering us or we can be kind to ourselves. Just remember we each have the ability to give ourselves the love that we need. Instead of seeking it from those around us.

Now I know that this can be far easier to say than to actually practice. But sometimes we need to love ourselves before we ask other people to love us.

And I get that all of this might sound a bit fluffy and mushy.

But to be honest, in my own experience fighting with family members to use my pronouns hasn’t made a difference.

It hasn’t made them use my pronouns.

Also I want to make a point that strangers are very likely going to misgender you. Because we have all been raised in a very binary world.

We all make judgements about others based on their appearances. That’s a very human thing to do.

The difference is with some folks though, they realise they make these judgements. They’ll see that’s only their truth. And they respect others enough to ask questions instead of sticking to their assumptions.

Recognising this can help make things feel less overwhelming and upsetting.



Because it’s exhausting to feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, invalidated, frustrated, angry, anxious and hurt all the time.

It uses so much of our energy being in these emotional states. All the while, the people who have misgendered us are oblivious to the harm they’ve caused.

Managing Being Misgendered

You may find yourself in a similar experience to what I’ve been in, where those around you may be mixed in their use of pronouns.

If you so, do your best to find the support and validation you need with folks that will show you how they care by using your correct pronouns.

If your family won’t use your pronouns, it’s ok friend. It hurts like heck but it’s ok. Because what they say and how they act doesn’t need to hurt.

Letting them hurt you with their words just gives them the power. And you don’t have to stay around and take it. You are not someone else’s punching bag.

You are strong and you are valid regardless of what words others use for you. You know who you are and that can never be changed by someone else.

Bowie Stover Thinking Pose

Bowie Stover

Pronouns: they/them

My passion to help others through developing an active and healthy lifestyle, along with my desire to contribute as much as I can back to our queer community, has led me to co-found Non Gendered Fitness. To be a small part of your day that makes a HUGE impact on your life would be one of the most gratifying and rewarding experiences that I could hope to have.

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You can also find me (Bowie), Non Gendered Fitness (NGF) and Non Gendered Fitness (NGF) on instagram and Facebook at the links below.

Bowie: @the.no.t.enbie
NGF: @non_gendered_fitness



Non Gendered Fitness FB Page

Non Binary Fitness Coach Bowie Stover kneeling with two kettlebells

Bowie Stover
Kettlebell and Movement Coach

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